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[19 Jan 2004|10:37pm] |
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From now on, all my entries will be friends only. Comment if you want me to add you.
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[08 Oct 2003|09:23pm] |
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Hmm.. So I think sometime after I wrote all that shit, I got kicked outta my house for the rest of the weekend. Fuck it.. That's all I gotta say. I don't really even wanna talk about it 'cuz honestly.. it's not too important. That's really just my new attitude about everything.. FUCK IT Pleasant, like always.
Oh yeah.. so I was wrong. Anger Management started TODAY.. not Friday. That stupid insight bitch signed me up for fucking Drug Education Grrrr. She can fuckin' die for all I care. I don't need a drug awareness program.. I'm quite aware of drugs, thank you very much. Whatever. They can all fuckin' burn. It's not like I'm following my contracts that say I'll be clean until I graduate, anyways. So uh..
I guess I gotta start going to school and shit. I didn't go yesterday, or last thursday. I got called out yesterday tho. I have gay Saturday school for ditching. F U N. It's okie tho 'cuz now I don't have to go to therapy. That's really all that's going on. Oh, and I picked up my very first paycheck to day. So y'know.. if anyone wants to celebrate, I'm buying :-P AHH! This is the 4th fucking time today I've had the stupid hiccups!! I gotta do my english so I don't fail.
*We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn*
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[05 Oct 2003|04:20pm] |
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Work fuckin' sucks. I hate standing on my feet for 5 hours and serving ungreatful people who don't even thank me. Fuck them all. I'm EXTRA nice too.. but whatever I guess common curteousy doesn't really matter. It just makes me tired and it's not like the customers pay attention to anything I say anyways.
It's only 4 on Sunday but I've got shitloads of homework to do. I really don't wanna do any of it. I'll prolly slack off until tomorrow at like, 7.. and then try to rush to finish it all. I wanna just say FUCK IT and fail all my classes.. but I can't. I want my god damn license before I die. Which is never going to happen 'cuz Geometry is kickin' my ass.
So my mom found this house she likes and whatever. It all just pisses me off 'cuz the basement is almost like an apartment and my mom's like "Yeah your sister could live down there." NO FUCKING WAY She's 19 years old for crying out loud! She needs to get the fuck out of my god damn house and support herself. If I was 19 there'd be no way in hell I'd still be leaving at home. She doesn't even have people come to the house.. what the hell does she need an entire floor for? It's bullshit. I was gonna bitch to my mom about it.. but instead I said nothing and just sat with a blank look on my face and now my mom thinks I'm depressed? Well, whatever. Her and my sister can have fun making happy moving plans while I bang my head against the wall. funnnnnn
Ah.. and anger management started friday. How stupid. We went in a circle and talked about drugs the entire time. And all it did was make me wanna go smoke or drink or something of the sort. I hate it 'cuz I feel so stupid for wanting to do that stuff. But y'know what? When I was smokin' all the time, I wasn't half as depressed as I am now. How is pot a depressant if it was keeping me happy and out of trouble? Interesting. Well.. I'll shut up before I convince myself smoking isn't bad again.
*This is where I say I've had enough. No one deserves to feel the way that I feel now*
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[02 Oct 2003|10:14pm] |
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Didn't go to school today.. kinda sick.. but really, I just didn't feel like going at all. I've been kinda out of it lately. Thinking too much.. I really want to live with my dad, but I'm too scared to bring it up with him. I don't wanna hurt my mom either.. I just think it's unhealthy for us to be fighting every waking second of every day. It hurts my head and my heart too much. So, I dunno where that'll all go.
I'm never going to get my license because I don't understand math. I feel really dumb 'cuz everyone is like "It's SO easy". So.. um.. I guess I'm the only one who sucks at Geometry. But that's ok. I mean.. I guess if I really wanted my license I'd bust my ass, right? So it's all up to me.. once again. to just.. try. Ugh. I hate that stupid god forsaken word.
The only thing really keepin' my head above the water is Dan.. and even that is so hopelessly confusing sometimes. He makes me happy but it's like the shit that people say about him makes me unhappy and it's all a huge balancing act. I know I shouldn't give a shit what people say but when it's my friends.. it's just.. hard to ignore? Everyday, I just wish that people minded their own business and left me the fuck alone. I'm not really that important to worry about anyways. Sometimes I just wanna scream and tell everyone to fuck off.. but I can't because I'm too afraid that they actually would.
I just hate feeling like everything is a big mess. I hate thinking I should be happy, when, my heart aches. I hate wondering what it is that makes me get so angry about such stupid shit. I hate too much right now.
My birthday kinda sucked, too. Except for when I hung out w/ Dan. But even then.. once I got home I got screamed at. I came home from school and cried. It was a huge mess. I was SO happy that morning. It just drives me insane that everything crashes so quickly around me. The more I look around.. the more I realize that I may possibly be completely alone. All my friends are with their boyfriends 24/7 so sometimes I feel like I should be too. But then the ones that aren't in relationships are busy anyways and they never call me 'cuz they think "I'm always busy"...even though I sit home practically every day. So no matter what, I usually end up sitting home 'cuz everyone's lives are too busy for me.
I hate highschool. Sometimes it makes you feel so good about the world. Sometimes it makes you want to kill everyone around you. Why can't I just have a smile on my face? Why can't everything just be ok?
Well, I'm outta here.
"Would you catch me if I fall? Or are you too blind to see that I already did?"
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[25 Sep 2003|06:35pm] |
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mood |
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Grr. I tried to update yesterday but LJ sucks and wouldn't work. So um.. yeah.. nothing is going on. I got a job? I've been home sick the last two days. My head hurts so fucking bad it is driving me insane. I guess that's really about it. I don't like writing too much in fear that this won't update again. All that there is left to say is.. MY BIRTHDAY IS ON WEDNESDAY! I don't want presents.. just lots of hugs :) MMMWWAAHH! Okie I go now. Buh byee.
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| FREEDOM |
[11 Sep 2003|11:00am] |
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YAY! It's 11:00 rite now. I'm in my final day of in-school. Aren't you all SO very proud of me?? Only 45 more minutes and I'm done with this. Hopefully, forever. But I won't go that far. Anyways.. in-school isn't as horrible as everyone scares you into believing it is. Rob and me just hung out and made fun of eachother. Depending on the mood of the teacher, we could talk and play games. Basically whatever we wanted. The downside? I know that now I'm extremely behind in almost every class. In fact, I take that back. I am behind in </b>every</b> class. Except for gym. But that never counted. I'm actually excited to get to go to gym today. Pathetic, eh?
So let's see.. Saturday I spent all day with my mom and sister in Wisconsin. My dad's been going all psycho so we left town for the day. Yeah. It kinda sucked 'cuz all three of us were in shitty moods about having to leave.. but I got to drive on the interstate which was fun. Speed limits are so much faster in Wisconsin. Even though, on a permit, I can't legally drive there... so my mom was screaming at me to go the speed limit so I didn't get pulled over and stuff. As usual, she overreacted 'cuz I didn't get in trouble. I think that was about it. I sat in the Eskape parking lot for a little while on Saturday night with Toni n Jeni and stuff 'cuz it was Ashley's birthday.
My mom says I'll be ungronded when she "can trust me again". So um, I'm grounded until either I die or she does. lol Nah. I give it to around my birthday. I know she won't keep me home then. Well, we'll see. October 3rd is the end of the grading period so.. I'll find out then how close I'll be to getting my license in the same month as my birthday. It's not like I'll have a car or a job.. but on my birthday I'm planning on applying to a few places. So I think between school and work things are gonna start to fill up.. Other than that, I haven't done much of anything. I'm grounded from the internet so it's weird not talking to people as much.. I don't talk to them.. and I don't see them at school. I feel so "out of the loop". But, I dunno. Whatever. Maybe I'll be able to go out this weekend. I promised Blair I'd call her, plus I'm supposed to go to Batty's on Sunday. Now it's 11:11. 34 more minutes!! I think I'm gonna read until it's time to go.
\m/ O.o \m/ Peace Out Playaz \m/ O.o \m/
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[05 Sep 2003|11:13am] |
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Ok, so it's Day 1 of suspension. How stupid. They dragged me in here yesterday and it didn't even count as a day. So now, I'm here until next Thursday. *rolls eyes* It's gonna be F U N. riiiiight. Yesterday kinda sucked. Mostly because sometimes I really hate my mom to the point where I hope she dies... and then hours later feel really shitty for telling her off and being a bitch. But yesterday she deserved it, in my opinion. She fucked everything up. I have In School instead of Out of School suspension because my mom "can't trust me at home by myself". Grr. I could be asleep right now. There's only 3 kids here today. Me, and these two guys. One of 'em was here yesterday. He's cool. Robbie or something? And I dunno the other guy.
Yesterday kinda sucked. I didn't feel like going home after school because I was pissed at my mom and whatever. So I hung out with Grant, Jeni, and Mike. It was cool-- I don't really think we did much. But hey.. we made Jell-o so it was better than nothing :) Umm.. So since I didn't call my mom to tell her where I was, she called the cops and whatever and caused stupid problems that could have been avoided if she didn't have a mental defficiency.
So that cop officially hates me 'cuz I gave him "attitude" or something. Whatever. I didn't like him anyways. He's an asshole. I think he's an asshole because he has a meaningless job. But that's not MY fault, is it? So yeah.. then I just sat around and played "Evil Dead" on playstation until I fell asleep eventually. Interesting game. Funny as hell. I think I might play more tonite if I can figure it out.
Caitlin got in trouble too. I don't really know how 'cuz not as many people knew about her. :-\ Oh well. I guess we'll just be smarter next time? She might be coming to In-School with me, but somehow I doubt it.. 'cuz if she was, she might have been here by now since her meeting was at 8 this morning. Blah. She's one lucky bitch if she gets out of school and I'm still stuck here. Anyways, there's not much else to talk about because that's all that's happend. I think I'm gonna go read s'more 'cuz I don't want to work on the AP Euro essay I've been putting off since Tuesday. It's not like I have to turn it in until next Friday anways. So that's all. I'll write Monday, I'm sure. God save me.
X_x Peace Out Playaz x_X
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| Suspended? |
[04 Sep 2003|01:42pm] |
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Ok, so it's 1:42 or something like that. I'm sitting in the god damn In School room 'cuz I guess they don't know what else to do with me. So let's catch everyone up to speed.. I got sent to my dean today! Now... SIX DAYS LATER I'm getting in trouble for it? Hmm.. Well, whatever. I'm not going to sit and talk about how they have no proof except that I left school at 9:30 and I could've denied it all and said that it's all a huge rumor but y'know what? There's no point. Although it kind of pisses me off that now I trust even less people. By the way.. for anyone that reads this.. if something ever happens to me, and you so much as tell one other person.. I am going to make your life hell because this is the dumbest shit I've ever had to go through. Even though I say that and I know I'd never actually give a shit. People talk. That's just the way life is, I guess.
So anyways, these In School kids are pretty fucked up, but to be honest with you, I'd rather be here than in normal class. Stupid, I know. Umm.. I don't really get it. I got sent to my dean and she bitched at me like she always does and then they made me go to insight and now I'm here. They told me I had a 5 day out of school suspension and I still really don't understand why I'm here and not at home. Does this count as a day of suspension? I'm just really confused because appearantly I'm going to Insight on Tuesday and I don't get how I'll be able to do that if I have an out of school suspension. If anyone wants to explain this to me.. feel free. So blah. This is incredibly stupid but on the bright side, I can get my AP Euro paper done. At the same time, I don't really think it matters too much because I won't be there tomorrow to turn it in.
Um.. that's about all that's going on. I feel like getting drunk or smoking or doing something stupid just 'cuz between my mom and my dad, I feel like no matter what I do.. I'm a horrible person. I might as well prove them right, dontcha think? Two months sober from pot.. Heh.. 6 days sober from alcohol. They told me that alcohol was my "replacement" for pot or something. I still don't understand why everyone has a motive as to why I drank, except for me. Ok well I don't want to bore the 5 people that read this so I'll shut up. Ugh.. It's not even 2:00 yet. Only another hour and a half.. . . ...
X_x Peace Out Playaz x_X
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[31 Aug 2003|02:32pm] |
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I almost died on Friday. Anyone who really cares about it, just ask around.. almost everyone already knows. My mom is "disappointed" and looks at me like she is going to cry every time we talk. I talked to my dad on the phone.. he started crying and lecturing me about how much it's going to cost because I couldn't fix it myself and had to go to the hospital. Well, whatever. I'm so depressed it makes me sick. I appearantly need to be on anti-depressants too. It's all a load of bullshit. Everyone thinks I had some motive-- I just felt like getting drunk. It wasn't supposed to be such a huge fucking deal. I dunno. I just don't really care anymore. I've lost all respect for myself. I don't see why anyone still cares about me. I'm a waste of time.
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[24 Aug 2003|12:06am] |
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So I haven't updated in awhile. Maybe because a lot of things that have gone on have been really personal, and I didn't want to share them with the world. *sigh* I've just been having some really bad luck with guys lately. There's just been so much drama it's incredible. A bunch of people think that I should give Grant a chance.. but I just don't know. I don't really know him and I think his age scares me off. He did let me drive his car though.. lol That's always a plus. But then there's this stuff with Chris.. and that's just even more drama. But it's all in my head on that one. Not to mention that the more I say, the dumber I feel about stuff with Mark.
Umm.. I've kinda made a bunch of new friends. But, I don't know if they'd consider me friends. I've hung with Iz and Corey and Mark and them more.. but sometimes I don't think I fit in with them. I know they're not judgemental of me, and it's not that I think they hate me.. It's that I don't think I'm on the same level as they are. They're all happy with their lives, and are really smart and drug-free.. And when I'm with them, I just feel like I'm kind of a horrible person. Like if they really knew me, they'd want nothing to do with me. Then there's like.. Mike, Gauer, Skuba, Grant, Ryan.. they're really cool too. I dunno. It's weird. 'Cuz right from the break I could be myself around them. It's taken me a lot longer with Mark and them. I dunno.
Im a mess. Everything's a mess. I didn't want to get out of bed today and I really felt like shit. I could like.. feel anything at all. But then I realized I couldn't lay and feel sorry for myself all day. Sooooo I went to Mitch's house 'cuz it's his birthday. :) So yes, Mitch can drive now! It was a cool day, actually. I had fun doing Karaeoke or whatever the hell it was.. and we went swimming at Ryan's mansion. Then went to Pizza hut.. and that was basically it. I'm gonna go talk to people. Later.
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[20 Aug 2003|09:07pm] |
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Hmm... Yesterday I went to Mark's for awhile and watched him, sully, and sean move a couch for like, an hour. Then we watched part of Memento. Eventually sean left and we went to the showplace area w/ jeremy and brad. Um yeah.. just walked around and basically did nothing. Matt n Brad went to h00ters. lol Um.. today, I got my schedule then went rollerblading w/ megan. Then,I said bye to Levi and came home. Wrote my paper.. sat around.. hung out with megan.. yeah.. that was about it. FUn, rite?Fuck yeah. So yeah.. my schedule..
1- AP Euro, Mattucci
2- Acc Geo, Gregorin (With Max)
3- Spanish 3, Bartels
4- Lunch (With Lots of people.. Katie, Megan, Jeni, Ryan, Mike, Fiore, Dermer, Elisse, Anna, Agata, Mark, Eunice, Iz, Allie......)
5- Study Hall, Borenstein
6- Acc Chem, Fisher (With Katie and Jen :) )
7- Ind/Team Sports, Koziol
8- Acc Eng, Arias
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| . .. . And then there were none . .. . |
[18 Aug 2003|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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Do you ever absorb what shouldn't be touched?
Have you ever cared?
Ever cared this much?
Do you think it is I who is out of touch,
or are you too scared to think at all?
I couldn't care more.
As your friends fall does it tear your heart?
Do tears fill your eyes as your world falls apart?
Do you notice at all,
or are you sailing sublime?
Am I completely alone?
I am.. after talking to Caitlin.. some extent.. I truly am alone..
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[18 Aug 2003|12:42am] |
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mood |
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I guess I should update. I just really don't feel up to it. I haven't done much anyway. Just procrastinated doing school work and hung out with friends.. too much stuff is going on and I'm already sick of dealing with it.. and it all started today. I just wanna curl up in a tiny ball and sleep and never wake up. Except for the fact that it's too early for me to be able to fall asleep. Even though I gotta be up at 8 for orietation.. meaning.. my school pic is gonna look like shit. Exciting life, eh?
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[14 Aug 2003|09:52pm] |
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What is your full name: Jessica Ann Wright
When was the last time you showered?: Right before I started to do this.
What are you wearing?: Pajamas
What song are you listening to right now?:"Circles"- Incubus
What was the last thing that you said?:"I'm gonna go take a shower"
What was the last thing that you ate?: Strawberries
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: Cerulean
Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?: Somewhere exotic.
How's the weather right now?: It's hot outside.
Backstreet Boys or N Sync?: N Sync, I guess.
What did you do last night?: Went to Michele's house :)
Favorite CD's?: Don't have one.. too many to name.
Who or what makes you happy?: Hanging out with my friends (when we're not fighting), music, feeling appreciated and loved, making people smile..
Nicknames?: Jess, Jestica, Jesticle, J-Dub, Jawz, Sunshine, Puddles..
What are your future goals?: I wanna be High School English Teacher.
Favorite food?: I don't have one.
Who is the funniest person that you know?: I don't think there's one that's funniest.
Favorite movie?: Mallrats and Requiem for a Dream.
Favorite cartoon character?: Michaelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Favorite day?: Friday
Do you like to dance?: I have no rhythm.
Are you too shy to ask someone out?: It depends on the person... but for the most part, if I like someone enough, I'll ask them out.
If you could change your name, what would it be?: I don't think I'd change it.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Yup. My stuffed monkey.
Favorite soft drink?: Sunkist.
Flowers or candy?: Flowers.
Summer or winter?: Summer.
Kisses or hugs?: Hugs.
Favorite childhood toy?: We used to have this slide in my backyard that was the shape of an elephant.. and you slid down the trunk. :)
Favorite smell?: Axe.
Favorite weather?: Rain.
Favorite pastime?: Writing poems.
What is your favorite possession?: I don't have one.
Something you've been putting off, but you really need to do?: My summerwork for school. *cough* AP Euro *cough*
What do you look for in the opposite sex?: Honesty, trustworthiness, someone I can be myself around, sense of humor.. just someone who will love me and let me love them.. and I can feel safe with them.. someone who will hold me and never let me go..
Where do you want to be married?: Outside.
What do you see as your biggest obstacle to happiness and fulfillment in life?: I try too hard to be happy, and don't just let it happen.
Do you believe in God?: I guess.
Do you believe in Luck?: Yes.
</b>Coke or Pepsi?:</b> Coke.
1 pillow or 2?: 1 or none.
TV or Radio?: Radio.
Do you have a tattoo?: Nope.
What's your room look like?: Purple walls, lime green carpeting, kinda empty walls except pictures of sunsets and some family.. and a few poems.
What's your biggest fear?: Dying unloved.
What's your family like?: My immediate family.. has issues. The rest of my family, is distant.
What's the best thing that happened to you today?: I got to see Dermer, Morgan, Anna, Idy, Blair, and Elisse.
Who has it easier, girls or guys?: I think we all have it pretty hard.
What are your plans for tonight?:Nothing anymore. It's 10:20 now. So I'll probably talk online for awhile, then do homework, then sleep.
Where were you born?:Elk Grove Village, Illinois
Do you drink?: Not much anymore.
Do you make fun of people?: I do. But I try not to.
Pets? My Puppy Charley!
Do you get along with your parents?:On occasion.
What's your bed time?: Whenever I pass out.
Favorite subject in school?: English.
Favorite sport to watch?: Football or skateboarding.
Favorite Place To Hang Out: My room.. or anywhere but my house.
Favorite Colors: Green
Favorite Number: 9
The person you have known the longest: Megan.
Most annoying thing?: People that lie.
Possession that you've lost, and want back more than any other thing?: My pride.
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[13 Aug 2003|11:38am] |
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Ack. I feel like shit. I was supposed to run with Megan at 8.. but I thought if I went, I would have puked all over her. My head's spinning and I just feel really sick. I knew I was in trouble when I got that headache at Allie's last night. Since then, my head's been throbbing. Ummm..
Yeah, yesterday Mark picked me up with Sean and Corey and we went to see S.W.A.T. I got to meet Angela and Eunice. Then we all went to Allie's house.. So all together it was Mark, Corey, Sean, Angela, Eunice, Allie, Jackie, Matt, Jeremy, Isabel, and Me. I think that's everyone. Eunice is really nice. I think she's cool even though she said she didn't like me. lol I think she was kidding. Well, they're all nice.. I dunno about Jeremy or Sean though.. I didn't really talk to them. Anyway.. Yeah.. I had a good time. I got to hang out with Iz in the hammock of shame.
It's weird for me though. 'Cuz all of them know each other so well, and I was just kind of thrown in there expected to act like I knew what the hell they were talking about. So, for once in my life.. I was acting pretty shy. Which, is definately a new thing for me. I'm used to being loud and in on what's going on. Plus, they're all really good kids.. so, I felt like trash. I mean, it's commendable that none of them smoke, drink, do drugs.. 'cuz it's hard to find straight people these days.. but still, it made me more uncomfortable 'cuz I thought if they knew the kind of stuff I've done, they wouldn't want me there. So you know me, I just kept my mouth shut and asked Iz if she'd accompany me to the hammock to hang out 'cuz I felt really unpure. Hence the term "Hammock of Shame".
I was supposed to call Eddie at 9 but I never did. I feel kinda bad about it.. but there's not much I can do about it now. Plus, he used to blow me off all the time. I was supposed to hang out with Katie today, but I feel like shit and she can't.. so I guess it's good. I get to just relax. Maybe I'll do some Euro. In any case, I'm gonna get going.
X_x Peace Out Playa x_X
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[11 Aug 2003|12:55pm] |
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I woke up about 5 minutes ago. Let's see... I didn't bother to look when I wrote last, so I'll start with Friday. I woke up at 7:55 so Megan and I could go to the Y at 8. My sister didn't wanna go, so Meg and Me just ran around the neighborhood and such. I'm guessing it was around a 2 mile run.
The reason we had to go so early was 'cuz Eddie was coming to my house at 10. Silly me, I forgot about "Eddie Time". Yeah.. 10:00 really means 11:30 - 12. So basically I came home, showered, and sat around my house from 9:40 until 11:45 when he finally showed up. It was cool to see him again 'cuz I haven't seen him all summer. At the same time, I dunno.. he still makes me think too much. Whatever. For the most part I had a good time.
After he left, I drove him home (he made fun of me the whole way.. typical, even though I'm a good driver! I swear!) and just packed up all my stuff. I went to Caitlin's at 6 and eventually we left for her boat for the weekend.
I had a really good time. I don't really want to go into the details 'cuz it'd take too long but damn, I haven't laughed that hard and so long in forever. It was pretty fun even though Caitlin said it was going to be really boring. I guess it was just fun 'cuz she had someone to not be bored with. Umm.. that's really about it. Except on Thursday night I talked to Mark and made a moron out of myself. But it's ok.. after that I learned to keep my mouth shut. :D I'm gonna start my day.
X_x Peace Out Playa x_X
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